Last week was a struggle for me.  With sleep.  With feeling like I didn’t matter.  That my life didn’t matter.  And every day I’d get up and pray.  Ask God to help me see and feel his love in a deeper way.  Then I’d ask myself, “What if today was the last day of my life?  Would I want to spend it like this?  Would I want to waste it feeling this way?”

I realized the answer was no.  So now what?

It was like any other night.  Dark.  Maybe the stars were out if it was clear.  Quiet. Everyone sleeping, except for the guards at the gates and the shepherds out in the hills.  At least one of them was standing watch over the sheep.

And then came the light.

When I was a kid, we’d make cookies and deliver them to people in town.  Older women who were alone.  Friends we didn’t see all the time.  We’d wrap the cookies with a festive bow, and wear our coats with our Christmas corsages.

Mom would pack us in the car, and we’d set off.

I turned on the light next to my bed, pulled out my pad, and began to write.  Morning Pages.  Something I haven’t done for a while.  I got caught up in other things.  And here I am starting fresh.  With a blank piece of paper and my favorite pen…glad that I can start new anytime I want.  I don’t have to wait until New Year’s Day.

And neither do you.

The antidote to fear is gratitude.  The antidote to anger is gratitude.  You can’t feel fear or anger while feeling gratitude.  –So says Tony Robbins on a pretty regular basis.

The question is – is it true?

I’m reading the comments to the post I wrote in the Bootstrapper’s Workshop.  Here’s what Travis, one of the coaches says:  “I could be wrong, Kathleen, but I wonder if this pressure that you are putting on yourself is drowning out your natural sense of wonder and curiosity. You seem to be experiencing stress, and the churn of it could be affecting what you do.”

Gee, where have I heard that before?

In 2011, I went with my family to Ireland for the first time.  They had been several times before, so had seen a lot of the country.  My dad planned the trip so I could see as much of the country as possible in a week.

It was a packed itinerary.

You know how they say the best laid plans…?  Or, “Want to see God laugh?  Tell him your plans?”  That pretty much sums up today.  And I bet that’s never happened to you.

Yeah, right.

Okay, time to get real.  What’s the most important?  Packing or sweeping the garage?  I mean really.  You know what it’s like.  You don’t want to come home to a messy house, so you do all the things you haven’t done in ages.  Like file the paid bills.  The homeowner’s insurance policy.  Clean off the kitchen counters.

Polish the kitchen sink.

I loved today.  I can’t believe I loved it, and yet I did.  Even with the list.  Even though I added almost as much to the list as I crossed off.

I loved today.