Today was the 13^th anniversary of my husband Jerry’s death.  It’s a funny thing – an anniversary like this.  On one hand, I don’t want to live in the past.  13 years is a long time, and I’ve created a whole new life in that time.  On the other hand, I want to honor the love that still lives between us, even though he’s not here.  I will love him always, and it’s important to me to set aside time as a special remembrance.

So today I found myself in between two worlds, a place I’ve spent a lot of time of late as I transition out of my job.

Friday was my last day in the office before I leave my job.  Yeah, I still have performance reviews to do, and some administrative clean-up, but really it’s all over.

This chapter is done.

Good-bye is hard.  Really hard.  Even though it’s something I want.  I hate saying good-bye.

And it’s taking forever.

I woke early on December 3^rd, unable to go back to sleep.  So many thoughts churning in my head. The proverbial to-do list of stuff to get dome before I leave my job for good.

One…two…and counting.  Counting to-do lists instead of sheep.

One year Jerry and I decided to grow pumpkins.  I really don’t know what possessed us to try it.  We’d been relatively successful at growing vegetables like tomatoes, carrots, or radishes.  And now we thought we were ready for more.  So, pumpkins it was.

We put in some starter plants.  They took right away.  The vines grew longer and longer, and then there was fruit.  Until there wasn’t.

I woke up in a hotel room in Anaheim, CA.  Coughing, sneezing, eyes burning.  Sick.  At the Podcast Movement conference, I so wanted to be fully present.  Meet people.  Engage in lively conversation.  Learn everything there was to learn.  Instead, I was fighting to stay awake.  Feeling as though my head was floating – like it wasn’t part of my body.  Or it might explode.

There was something else too this morning when I woke up.  I saw what looked like puffs of smoke floating around in my left eye.  Like the smoke that wafts from a campfire as it dances on the breeze. And I couldn’t see very well.

The other day I stopped on my walk to visit two horses who live at the end of my street.  One came over almost right away to say hi.  He’s gotten used to seeing me on my evening walks in the neighborhood.  I often feed him some grass when I stop by, which is probably the real reason he comes so quickly when I stop by.

But this time he didn’t take the grass.

I’m supposed to be in Philadelphia at a conference today.  I was supposed to be there on Sunday and Monday too.  But I’m not.  I’m at home.

And I’m right where I should be.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know I have a full-time job as well as this blog and a podcast.  Not only that, but I’ve been traveling most weeks from CT to NC for business.  Add on my music ministry at church and the normal responsibilities of a homeowner and just… well…life, and it’s quite a juggling act.

You may be judging yourself by comparison.  You may be asking yourself, “How does she do it all?”