You heard in Parts 1 and 2 about the wonderful opportunity I had to see Sandi Patty at Carnegie Hall in New York. How Ruth and I got seats in the front row, even though we got to the theater later than we planned. The fun we had walking through the city. Unexpected opportunity and blessings.
A wonderful day.
We floated on air back to the hotel. The night was beautiful and warm. We walked through Times Square, loving all the lights. The city that never sleeps, especially in the summer.
Now my mind is starting to shift to my Los Angeles trip. I already had a blast in New York, and now I’m ready for LA. Walking on the beach and dinner with friends. Another voice lesson. Blessings again – on the opposite coast. I pack my stuff, set the alarm so I can get to the airport shuttle on time, and get ready for bed.
Uh oh. I can’t fall asleep. Not only that, but my body is experiencing the strange symptoms I had in 2011-12 when I got really sick. Hard to describe, but distinctive. And scary.
I didn’t let it freak me out. I used all my relaxation and breathing techniques. I calmed myself down and slowed my heart rate. I read the Psalms on my Kindle. And nothing I did could make me fall asleep at all.
I may have dozed for 15-20 minutes the whole night. And I was supposed to fly across the country and then drive for 2 hours on no sleep. Oh, and then have a voice lesson the next day.
By 5:30 am. I’m trying to figure out how I could make it work. In my head I’m saying, “I can rent the car and drive to the Pacific Coast Highway. Then I can pull over on the side of the road and rest for a bit. I can do that as many times as I want on the way to the hotel, and back the next day too.” That’s what I was trying to tell myself.
As I was trying to figure it out, I was praying. And then I heard a voice in my head say, “You could cancel your trip.”
Immediately I knew that was the right thing to do. I knew I didn’t have what it took to do all I had been trying to make happen. If I was just going on vacation that would have been one thing. But I needed energy and presence to have a voice lesson. There was no way that was going to happen in my current state of non-sleeping.
Even though I knew it was right, do you know how hard it was to cancel that trip – on the day I was supposed to take it? I was so disappointed. In the circumstances. In myself.
But cancel I did. And after spending an hour cancelling my trip and feeling that disappointment, I set my focus on spending the day with Ruth and going home with her on the train.
Even with what had happened, there were blessings in this day too. We ate at Junior’s for breakfast.
(c) Ruth Hartunian-Alumbaugh
Checked out a piano store, where Ruth tried some out.
(c) Ruth Hartunian-Alumbaugh
Visited with her nephew at Redeemer Presbyterian Church.
(c) Kathleen Thompson
I felt exhausted and also grateful.
Grateful that there were blessings even after a disappointment. Even when I could hardly hold my head up. Grateful that Ruth carried my bag. Grateful that I didn’t lose the entire cost of my trip. Grateful that I had made the right decision, even though it was hard. Grateful for God’s presence in the midst of difficulty. Grateful that I was able to experience the blessings in the aftermath of disappointment.
It’s amazing how life can be filled with such blessings and disappointments – all in less than 24 hours. It can turn just like that. And then we have to decide what to do with the turmoil of emotion.
On one hand, we feel what we feel. Denying it only buries it deep. Yet wallowing in it prevents us from seeing the blessings that could be right in front of us.
I needed to feel the weight of what had happened. Acknowledge how I felt as I got ready for the day. And Ruth certainly understood. At the same time, think of what I would have missed if I hadn’t been fully present to both the disappointment and the joys of this day! I would have dragged myself around and missed the fun of the food, piano store, and a visit with a special young man.
My friend Elizabeth said this to me on the anniversary of my husband’s death, “Your heart has room for both joy and grief at the same time.” I’ve so often thought of that. And felt the truth of it on this day of unexpected disappointment.
Your heart has room for both too. You have to open it up to pain and sorrow and grief in order to feel the joy and excitement and love and blessing. So whatever happens, let yourself feel it. Be present to the pain…and blessing. Your life will be so much the richer for doing so. I know mine is.
How have you dealt with disappointment, disaster, or the like? Share your story in the comments.
Kathleen. I know these feelings well. One of the things I had to do was to stop measuring what I can do against what I think “everyone else” can do (not true, anyway). I still remember a couple of trips where I pushed on through in order not to disappoint myself or others. In one, I landed in the emergency room, and during another, I felt like I belonged in the emergency room! Pushing myself too far has always backfired and then I didn’t enjoy my trips at all. Pacing…changing plans…accommodating disabilities…I always see the blessings God puts in front of me when I pay attention. Great post.
It’s funny you would say this, Linda. I just had a conversation with a friend where she asked, “What does this make possible?” So similar to seeing the blessings God puts in front of us when we pay attention.
We’re so wired to push, aren’t we? As if our value is tied to the quantity of output.
Thank you for sharing these experiences Kathleen. They are powerful reminders as to how much we can enjoy life we allow ourselves to embrace what is without clinging onto our plans and ideas. I learn that slowly! Well done for having the courage to listen to your body and cancel the trip! Having gone through the frustration and disappointment you were then able to embrace what that made possible. Great life lessons!
It’s hard to let go of our plans, isn’t it? Yet, it’s one thing I’ve learned to do better with experience – hold my own plans more loosely. I know you have too. And our lives are the richer for it.
Way to choose life, Kathleen—despite the disappointment. Reading about someone else making a wise albeit difficult choice helps me resolve to listen well the next time a similar opportunity arises for me. Thank you for seeing goodness in your altered (altar-ed?) day. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope the physical sensations that reminded you of that earlier illness have vanished and that you’ve been able to make up the sleep deficit.
Thanks, Laurie. Choosing life is a daily decision, isn’t it?