Not long ago, a friend wrote a long post on Instagram that said he doesn’t believe people should be themselves.  That authenticity is a buzzword these days, and it’s overrated.  The conversation that post stimulated was interesting.

I posted a comment at the time, and a few people went back and forth with each other.  And I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  So I’d like to ask you – do you think it’s good to be yourself, or should we try and be better than ourself?

People who I greatly respect have weighed in on different sides.

First, there’s Brene Brown.  She’s a proponent of authenticity.  Not hiding.  Not “armoring up”, as she calls it.  Dr. Brown’s research shows that those who are more authentic and vulnerable connect with people better than those who don’t.  Brene says it takes a lot of courage to show up as yourself.  And when you do, it gives others permission and the space to do the same.  Which makes our relationships deeper and more meaningful.

Then there’s Seth Godin.  He says that if we show up as our authentic self, that sometimes we’ll be lazy, or rude, or low-energy.  That we act based on our emotions, which doesn’t always put ourselves in the best light.  And isn’t generous toward others.  Seth has stated that we should show up as whatever version of our best self we think will best serve those we are trying to reach.  Seth is one who says that authenticity is overrated.  Which is almost exactly what my Instagram friend said.

On the surface, these two positions appear contradictory.  Yet, because both are thoughtful people, I suspect they’re more similar than they are different.

Why am I even writing about this?

Because this is something that I’ve been wrestling with for quite a while.   I’m not sure I have the answer.

I know many writers who say that authenticity is what connects with readers.  Helps them picture whatever world the writer has created.  I know that as a culture we have pretty sensitive radar to determine if someone is being fake.  And we often turn it off or tune it out.

We’re tired of being a number.  A cog in the wheel.  When someone acts out of their humanity, we tend to gravitate toward them.  I don’t know about you, but I can sniff a salesy email a mile away, and just delete it.  We hate it when people inflate their social media posts to sound way better than the actual event.  It feels wrong to us.

And yet, we don’t really follow people who don’t seem to know where they’re going.  Who don’t communicate some kind of vision we can believe in.  People who seem uncertain or confused.

As a Leader, there were times when I had absolutely no idea what we should do.  I wasn’t sure if we’d get information that would make the decision clear or not.  In many cases, we had to choose a course of action with no clear path.  And sometimes I struggled with what to say to the team.  Be vulnerable and authentic and tell them I didn’t know what we should do?  Exude confidence and tell them that we we’d communicate a plan shortly?

In the end, I often chose a third way.  I told them we didn’t have a plan right now, and I had every confidence that we’d have one shortly.  And we’d let them know as soon as it was ready to go.  That let them know that we were being honest.  That we weren’t pretending to have or be something that we weren’t.  And still gave them confidence in us.  It reduced their stress level for sure.  I could see it in their eyes.

Because it seems that people want both authenticity and reassurance.  They want to know they can trust you.  That there will be some consistency in your behavior.  That you won’t just let it all hang out.

It’s almost like – what you say and do had better be real.  A part of who you really are.  But you don’t have to show all of it, and you can choose to showcase the best part of who you are to those around you.

Maybe the test is “What’s the most loving thing to do or say right now?”  Is it showing our weakness, or showing our strength?  Is it being one of the crowd, or leading them somewhere?

What about with our spouse?  Or friend?  Is it okay to show our crabby self to them?  If so, for how long?  Maybe that’s how we authentically feel, but does that mean we should subject others to it on a regular basis?  Is that what love looks like?

I think it’s important to be able to express the deep emotions of our hearts to those who love us.  And yet, they deserve love and respect too.

Maybe there’s no one right way.  Maybe we have to hold both truths simultaneously and figure out at the time how to navigate between the two.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s not okay to do something that’s not honest, just because we’re concerned what others will think of us.  We can, however, choose to operate out of our best self because we’re motivated my love.

I’d love to know what you think.  How you balance what looks like conflicting values in your life.  Please leave a comment.  I’d love to know how being authentic has helped you connect with others, or caused a problem you had to then recover from.